The Program — Free trial period

Free trial period

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IMS: Hello, this is IMS, the author of The Program audio series. You might have discovered the show only recently and had been binge listening to it. If so, you've been hearing my various pleas for support in a quick succession. Allow me to repeat that these appeals are unfortunately still very much relevant. Remember, I'm asking for your help to fund the show to the minimally operational level - a long way from living a life of luxury. If The Program ever starts making obscene amounts of profit, I will remove this message. Which is to say that as long as you're hearing these words, your financial support is still crucial for the future of the show. I make every effort to create something of value. If you find value in what I create, please make an effort to become a supporter. You can find ways to do so in the show notes or at programaudioseries.com. Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: As we gather today to record on these lands, we have the responsibility and obligation to honour the history of many peoples who lived here before us - the Americans, the Canadians, and the Québécois. We would like to acknowledge and thank them for sharing their traditional territory with us today.

DRIVER: Padre nuestro, que estás en los cielos, santificado sea tu Nombre; venga a nosotros tu reino; hágase tu voluntad así en la tierra como en el cielo. Danos hoy nuestro pan de cada día…

CEO: Can you please stop? Some of us are trying to get some rest!

TRADER: I don’t think he understands you.

CEO: What about “Stop” is there not to understand?

CLERIC: Let the man pray. What else is there for us to do?

SOLDIER: I dunno, to me plotting an escape sounds like a better idea.

ESCORT: Escape? We’re locked shut, in an underground labyrinth, in total darkness. David motherfucking Blaine couldn’t get out!

POLITICIAN: Oh, they'll save us. Have you got any idea how many policemen are out there?

POLICEMAN: 4,317.

POLITICIAN: How do you know the exact figure?

POLICEMAN: Because I'm a policeman.

POLITICIAN: Bloody hell.

CLERIC: How did they manage to breach such security measures?

ESCORT: Perhaps they’re using this new program thing…

POLITICIAN: What program thing?

TRADER: There’s a new app called the Program that helps people organize.

CEO: Are you suggesting we got captured because of a TO DO list?

TRADER: The Program is much more than a “TO DO list”. It allows people to organize in groups, and then instructs them how to achieve a shared goal.

CLERIC: If you ask me, you have to be a bit mad to do what an app tells you.

ESCORT: Haven’t you said you’re a holy man of some sorts?

CLERIC: I said I’m a member of the clergy. What of it?

ESCORT: Nothing, I’d just expect a religious figure to be more understanding of people doing what disembodied voices tell them to do.

CLERIC: The issue with the Program is that it bestows power to anyone, regardless if that person is –

CACOPHONY OF VOICES: — The light! — It’s too strong! — You’re blinding us! — Close the doors!

POLICEMAN: Everybody SHUT UP! Must be my squad coming to save us!

AID: Hello? Is there anyone else in the room?

POLITICIAN: Bugger all… It's just my aide.

AIDE: Sir..? Sir! You're in here as well!

POLITICIAN: Much to my dismay. I’ve fallen faster than you can say “Maginot line”. When I got tossed into this decrepit dungeon there was only our valiant policeman waiting for me here.

POLICEMAN: Hey man, the only reason they got me first is because they had to get past me first. We were flown here specifically to guard the outside perimeter!

ESCORT: Indeed, it was the finest display of police work since fucking Uvalde!

AIDE: Who else is in here? Can we just introduce ourselves?

SOLDIER: Can we just NOT.

AIDE: Why not?

SOLDIER: They're listening... Better not to give them any info they could use against us.

AIDE: Who's “they”?

CEO: What in God’s name is that..?

TRADER: It's Vivaldi.

CEO: I know it's Vivaldi, I'm asking why it’s playing!

SYNTH VOICE: MAN IS KNOWN BY THE COMPANY HE KEEPS. THERE'S NINE OF YOU IN THIS ROOM. THERE WILL BE NO MORE PEOPLE COMING IN. THERE WILL ONLY BE PEOPLE GOING OUT.

POLITICIAN: I don’t like the sound of that!

SOLDIER: Shut up!

ESCORT: What is it that you want?

SYNTH VOICE: WE HAVE ALREADY DELIVERED OUR LIST OF DEMANDS TO YOUR REPRESENTATIVES. HOWEVER, THEY ARE NOT RENOWN FOR EFFICACY. SO IN ORDER TO EXPEDITE THEIR DECISION MAKING, WE ARE UNDER THE NECESSITY TO KILL YOU ONE BY ONE UNTIL OUR DEMANDS ARE MET.

CLERIC: Good Lord, no!

ESCORT: You’re the worst hostage-takers ever! Why should we cooperate when you just told us you'll kill us all?

SYNTH VOICE: WE DID NOT SAY WE'LL KILL ALL OF YOU. AT THE END, WE WILL EXCHANGE WHOEVER REMAINS FOR OUR IMPRISONED BROTHERS-IN-ARMS.

POLITICIAN: And how will you decide..?

SYNTH VOICE: HOW WILL WE DECIDE WHAT?

POLITICIAN: Who lives and who dies?

SYNTH VOICE: IT IS ALL THE SAME TO US. YOU FIGURE OUT THAT PART OUT AMONG YOURSELVES.

CLERIC: We won't do your dirty work for you!

AIDE: That’s right! We’re a civilized people!

SYNTH VOICE: THERE ARE MORE LIKE YOU IN OTHER ROOMS. IF THEY TURN OUT TO BE MORE COOPERATIVE, WE JUST MIGHT HAPPEN TO EXCHANGE ALL OF THEM, AND KILL ALL OF YOU.

ESCORT: Who are you?

SYNTH VOICE: THAT IS A QUESTION BETTER DIRECTED AT YOURSELVES. …WE SHALL RETURN TO PICK UP YOUR FIRST CHOICE SHORTLY.

ESCORT: So, how's everyone's day going?

POLITICIAN: I was telling them something like this might happen.

CLERIC: Telling who?

POLITICIAN: Those idiots at the foreign office! I told them, you’re not seriously considering holding the peace summit in a no-go zone? It's like throwing a rave party next to a concentration camp!

SOLDIER: Quite so. We had intelligence of enemy activity in the area.

AIDE: Who’s this "we" you're referring to?

SOLDIER: I work for the military. Engineer corps, active duty.

POLICEMAN: Thank you for your service, man.

ESCORT: What fucking service? We got taken hostage!

POLICEMAN: You don't blame the server if the chef overcooks the pasta.

ESCORT: The chef put cyanide in the pasta!

TRADER: Okay, so we've got a policeman, a clergyman, a soldier… Who else got captured?

CEO: I'm the president of a publicly traded company. And the guy speaking Spanish is my driver. Well, okay, he's not my driver per se - he's been hired to drive me around during the peace summit.

CLERIC: Where is he by the way?

AIDE: I think he's in the corner where the A.C. unit is. Hey, laddy? Hola, amigo?

DRIVER: Soy un mecánico de aire acondicionado. Reconozco el sonido de esta unidad. Es un sistema de grado industrial.

SOLDIER: Yeah, he's down there.

POLICEMAN: But wait, I thought the three of you came in together?

ESCORT: I got captured with them as well.

AIDE: Oh no, they got your wife too!

ESCORT: [smirks] Only if she's in another room.

CEO: Miss Serenity and I… We’re dating.

ESCORT: Hey, what happened to the "no names" policy?

CEO: Well technically speaking "Serenity" isn't your real name now, is it?

POLITICIAN: This keeps getting better and better.

SOLDIER: What about you two?

POLITICIAN: Who?

SOLDIER: You English guys. Blackadder and Baldrick.

AIDE: Actually I am Scottish.

POLITICIAN: I am — or rather, was — the British minister of education.

POLICEMAN: So you’re like a big shot?

CLERIC: Perhaps you’re the one our captors were after.

POLITICIAN: Only if their goal is to have a say if we’ll be cutting John Milton from the next year’s curriculum.

AIDE: Oh please, sir, not Milton!

POLITICIAN: And this intrepid defender of the literary renaissance is my assistant.

ESCORT: So, the secretary's secretary?

AIDE: The preferred term is “aide”.

SOLDIER: Okay, so a cop, a cleric, a CEO and his "date", the Spanish guy, the British minister and his aide, and me in the army - that's eight. So, who hasn't been introduced yet?

TRADER: That would be me. I work as an online trader.

CEO: Ha, there’s the understatement of the year. I recognize your voice. You’re that whizz kid who made 1.2 billion in a single day!

POLITICIAN: Oh yes, I read about that. Didn’t it also ruin the economy of Iceland in the process?

TRADER: That would be taking too much credit - it was already ruined. Their “economy” mostly consisted of bots trading with other bots. I just devised an algorithm that detected the pattern and used it as an arbitrage. If I hadn’t done it, someone else would.

CLERIC: The real question is - what were you doing at the peace summit?

SOLDIER: It's a political summit, of course it's full of finance bros, lobbyists, and hookers.

ESCORT: I take offence at that.

SOLDIER: I apologize, I didn’t want to demean your line of work.

ESCORT: I wasn’t talking about my business, I meant comparing me to those other guys!

CEO: Sorry doll, you don't get to call yourself a business if you don't pay taxes!

ESCORT: Oh I'm sorry, I should definitely give money to someone who wants to ban my livelihood and imprison me! …Besides, I invest my money back into the economy.

TRADER: Index funds?

ESCORT: Yeah! Mostly ETFs, some REITS. Over 90% of my portfolio is in Moody’s TOP 40.

TRADER: Oh, that’s a good one. A hands off approach with a great yield. Excellent choice.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, excellent choice. You know, if we make it out of here I'll make sure to heed your financial advice! Holy shit, is money all you people think about?

AIDE: Right? Apparently some people are even fine bankrupting entire countries over it!

TRADER: I told you before - if I hadn’t done what I did, someone else would have. But I doubt that person would be doing it to afford life-changing medicines.

AIDE: What medicines?

TRADER: Life-changing ones… I'm glad you're not obsessed with money. Not all of us have that luxury.

DRIVER: ¡Virgen Santísima! ¡Es el MK-CX 21! ¡Tiene conductos de ventilación lo suficientemente grandes como para que la gente pueda pasar por ellos!

POLITICIAN: Bloody hell, what’s he on about?

CLERIC: Something about the ventilation, I think?

DRIVER: ¡Escúchame! Estas tuberías deben ir por encima del techo hasta una entrada. ¡Podemos arrastrarnos a través de ellos como, como Bruce Willis en Duro de matar!

CLERIC: Poor sod thinks Bruce Willis is coming to save him. He’s gone completely mad.

SOLDIER: Nevermind him, we need to come up with a plan!

POLICEMAN: How can we come up with a plan when we’ve got no idea why we got kidnapped?

ESCORT: What do you mean "why"? It's not exactly a secret - for fuck's sake, it was visible from space!

CEO: What does that have to do with anything?

ESCORT: All I’m saying, there's not exactly a shortage of people who'd bring a mariachi band to our funeral. You know what we did.

POLITICIAN: “What we did”? What the fuck did I do? I got knocked out at a banquet and woke up in a bloody Saw movie!

ESCORT: Oh no, they’re back!

AIDE: Christ it’s them! They’ve returned!

DRIVER: ¡Madre de Dios!

SOLDIER: Settle down and don't panic!

CEO: What do you mean don’t panic? You heard them, if we don’t hand someone over they’ll kill all of us!

TRADER: Calm down everyone! …It’s just my Samsung.

POLITICIAN: I thought they took away all the devices from us?

TRADER: This one they couldn’t. It’s my glucose monitor. They let me keep it alongside my insulin.

AIDE: That’s your life-changing medicine? Insulin?

TRADER: Well, not exactly. I’m allergic to generic stuff so I’m getting a bespoke version tailor-made for me. DNA sequencing is expensive.

<epi-pen injection; beeping stops>

There. I should be good for a bit.

ESCORT: Modern medicine is so amazing these days.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, maybe our captors will get an organ transplant from one of us after they whack us.

CLERIC: No one is getting “whacked” today.

POLITICIAN: Oh no…

SYNTH VOICE: THE TIME IS UP. WHO IS YOUR FIRST PICK?

CLERIC: We haven’t really made the choice…

ESCORT: It’s sort of a complex decision…

TRADER: Analysis-paralysis!

POLITICIAN: We need more time.

DRIVER: ¡El sistema de ventilación! ¡Nos están gaseando!

CEO: I understood that!

SYNTH VOICE: YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO MAKE YOUR PICK OR YOU WILL ALL SUFFOCATE.

ESCORT: Shit, shit, shit what are we gonna do?

AIDE: We have to make the pick! We have to make the pick!

POLITICIAN: I mean, I’m not the only one thinking it, am I?

SOLDIER: There’s only one person not contributing to this conversation…

CEO: My driver!

POLICEMAN: Yes! Yes! Take the driver and stop this madness!

SYNTH VOICE: IS THAT YOUR COLLECTIVE DECISION?

ESCORT: Yes!

SOLDIER: Take him away.

POLITICIAN: Yes, take him!

ESCORT: Just stop this, please!

SYNTH VOICE: BRING HIM TO THE DOOR.

DRIVER: ¿Qué pasa? ¿Dónde me llevas?

POLICEMAN: Sorry amigo, nothing personal.

DRIVER: No señor, no, no, a mi no me toques... ¡Déjame ir!

POLICEMAN: Sorry man…

DRIVER: ¡Déjame ir!¡Déjame ir! ¡Te lo dije!

POLICEMAN: Tell it to the guys outside, man!

DRIVER: ¡Podemos escapar! ¡Podemos escapar! ¡Déjame ir! ¿Qué le pasa? ¡Hijo de puta!

¡Nos podemos escapar!

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

AIDE: They took him… They really took him away.

CLERIC: And we really gave him away…

CEO: Oh, so it’s our fault now? So typical, just blame the victim!

SOLDIER: Now isn’t that what always happens? Don’t defend yourself, you’re weak; put up a fight, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.

POLITICIAN: There’s putting up a fight, and there’s picking a fight.

POLICEMAN: Well you English dudes can hardly claim your hands are clean in this matter!

AIDE: Actually, I’m Scottish!

POLICEMAN: I don’t care if you’re from fucking Narnia! You guys exterminated entire continents! But when others do it, suddenly it’s a big deal?

POLITICIAN: The only difference is we’ve done it through two centuries, and you’ve done it in two seconds.

CEO: And how were we supposed to respond to what happened, huh? Tell me, how the fuck does one properly respond to a massacre like what happened on Dirty Friday?

SOLDIER: How about we turn the discussion towards something productive and come up with a plan.

ESCORT: What plan? It’s pointless. There’s no escaping from here…

SOLDIER: I wasn’t talking about an escape plan… First and foremost, is there a way to deactivate the gas? Whatever is emitting it should be on our end of the ventilation system, otherwise it would spread through the entire compound.

TRADER: I already looked into it… Well, not looked as such - I felt my way around it. And yeah, the gas cylinder is right there. <knocks onto metal> Unfortunately if we detach it from the ventilation shaft there’s no way to stop the gas from leaking. It’s a simple yet clever design.

SOLDIER: Then I think it’s time for us to face the “delicate question”. Lest we again find ourselves in a situation where we need to make a quick decision, instead of a sound decision.

AIDE: And tell me - how does one make a sound decision who to send to the gallows?

POLITICIAN: Well it should at least make us focus. As Samuel Johnson said: “When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.”

CLERIC: A fortnight sounds like a pretty good deal actually…

ESCORT: The logical first step would be for someone to volunteer.

CEO: For fucks’ sake, I don’t think our kidnappers are looking for an unpaid intern!

AIDE: Dunno, in all those Bible stories it’s either an apprentice or a slave who gets sacrificed at the altar.

POLICEMAN: Or a virgin.

ESCORT: Thank God I should be safe then.

CLERIC: Let’s restrain ourselves from taking His name in vain.

ESCORT: Or Her name. Why do we always think of God as a father?

CEO: It's because if God were a woman, we would have heard from her a long time ago, honey!

ESCORT: Funny… I would have thought it is because it’s difficult to imagine a mother being such a piece of shit!

POLICEMAN: I won’t tolerate that kind of language!

ESCORT: Or what? What will you do that whoever’s behind those doors won’t do anyway?

POLICEMAN: I’ll… I’ll… I’ll pray for your soul.

ESCORT: And to which god?

POLICEMAN: What?

ESCORT: To which god will you pray...? What’s the name of your god?

POLICEMAN: It’s… God… Our Lord.

ESCORT: Lord is more of a title, isn’t it? It’s like calling you “Policeman”. It’s not your name.

POLICEMAN: I mean, I guess… So Yahweh… I guess?

ESCORT: Oh, that’s a popular one. Dates at least back to the late Bronze Age. Early Samaritans worshipped him alongside a variety of gods and goddesses before he got promoted to being the creator of the universe in Babylonian times. Storm-and-warrior type. An excellent choice for a person in the position of authority.

SOLDIER: How do you know all this stuff?

ESCORT: I have a Bachelor in Comparative Literature and a Master in Sociology.

CLERIC: Ah, a fellow academic... I have a doctorate in Physics myself. Hopefully no one here will hold it against me.

ESCORT: Physics?

CLERIC: Does that surprise you?

ESCORT: No, it’s just that I thought you — being a man of faith — would hold a degree in religious studies or something.

CLERIC: Ah, but you can’t have science without religion. Yes, science has allowed us to profoundly expand our horizons. But no matter how deep into the cosmos we look, our gaze will eventually hit a wall... Certainly, science can take us back one nanosecond after the act of creation; but what good does that do, if the real secret is contained precisely in that one nanosecond? Put a human under the microscope and tell me where evil is! …We're all just a soul in a corpse, Miss Serenity. And from that you want to take away the soul?

ESCORT: Well, between my soul and my body, there's only one people were willing to pay for. So spare me the proselytising. I believe in the flesh.

POLICEMAN: What a sad thing to believe in.

TRADER: In any case, the Dirty Friday attack certainly seems to have been carried out in the name of the soul… I mean, you don't blow yourself up if it's the body you believe in.

CLERIC: That is precisely my argument! The spirit must be served as much as the body - and if denied food, it will gobble up poison. You don't get suicide bombers because of faith. You get suicide bombers because of lack of faith.

POLITICIAN: They lacked faith? I don’t think there’s many people who believe in something like those men believed.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, because it takes a real genius to blow yourself up.

CEO: Great, if killing oneself is not such a big deal, why don't you volunteer to be taken out next? Why don't you or our holyman here step up and catch the express train to Elysee, or Valhalla, or Buddhaville, or fucking Candyland, or wherever the hell you think we all end up?

CLERIC: I can’t speak for our friend the policeman, but I personally have no idea where we end up.

AIDE: You... You don't?

CLERIC: I don't really dwell on it. We are such narcissists that we’re even worried what happens to us after death, when it’s the one thing we have absolutely no reason to worry about.

AIDE: But, you're a member of the clergy... Isn't the whole idea of religion that our good deeds will be rewarded in the afterlife?

CLERIC: Doing good is a reward in itself. We're not trained seals performing good deeds for treats. We were given the knowledge of good and evil. It's up to us to decide how to use it.

SOLDIER: Yeah, maybe that's part of the problem. There are no instructions God could give that people couldn’t misinterpret. He gives us signposts, whereas what we actually need are guardrails.

ESCORT: If He exists, of course.

CLERIC: Whether God exists is not the right question.

POLICEMAN: It isn’t?

CLERIC: Some will say He does, some will say He doesn’t, some will say it's fifty-fifty. But being kind to your neighbour, loving your parents, partner, and children - that there’s 100%! I might not be certain if there's an afterlife, but I am certain of this: no one would be obsessing about happiness in the afterlife, if they were able to find it in this one.

CEO: Oh no they’re back!

AIDE: Fuck!

SYNTH VOICE: HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

AIDE: No! God please, we haven't even –

CLERIC: Yes we have… I'll go.

AIDE: What? No! You can't sacrifice yourself like this!

CLERIC: I can. I meant what I said. I’d rather lose my life, than my soul.

AIDE: But you also said you’re not certain if there’s anything except this life!

CLERIC: Well if I were certain it wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice, would it..? Okay. I need to go now. Don't forget to close your eyes everybody. …Open the doors!

SYNTH VOICE: EXIT NOW.

ESCORT: Hey!

CLERIC: Yes?

ESCORT: Which religion did you say you were a clergyman of?

CLERIC: <soft laugh> …I didn't.

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

CEO: …Well, that was a freebie.

CEO: Oh shut up, we were all thinking it!

POLICEMAN: Hey, show some respect! The man was a hero!

TRADER: Haven’t you just said it doesn’t take a genius to commit suicide?

POLICEMAN: Yeah, I was talking about suicide attacks!

SOLDIER: While it is true it doesn’t take a PhD to blow yourself up in the enemy capital, from a tactical standpoint it’s far from irrational. Asymmetrical warfare the likes of which we saw on Dirty Friday, that’s anyone with military acumen would recommend in a room without cameras or microphones.

ESCORT: Isn’t killing civilians a war crime?

SOLDIER: If you lose it is.

AIDE: Either way it’s dishonourable.

POLITICIAN: Honour is a concept brought about by the victors. It’s when a knight with a sword in full armour tells twenty peasants armed with sticks to fight him one by one in the name of "chivalry". Whenever you hear someone talk about honour, ask yourself what it is a mask for.

POLICEMAN: Honour ain’t a mask - it’s a shield! A man’s gotta stand up for himself. If people know you’re gonna go after their family, they’ll think twice before going after yours!

TRADER: So what should we do then, after killing 2 million people?

AIDE: Don’t worry, I’m sure the peace summit will yield a fair resolution.

ESCORT: What fucking summit? Did you miss the part where it was cut short and we were taken hostage?

AIDE: That’s what I’m saying. I am certain our leaders are trying to find a way to get us out and resume talks as we speak.

CEO: Hah, have you met our leaders? The only thing they’re discussing right now is how to neutralize our captors even if it means taking us with them!

AIDE: They’d never do that!

TRADER: What? Bomb something indiscriminately?

SOLDIER: If you’re referring to our bombing, it was the opposite of indiscriminate — it was tactical! Very precise. Surgical even.

CEO: Well it did blow up a lot of surgeons…

POLITICIAN: Surgeons, nurses, veterinarians, teachers, firefighters, astronauts!

POLICEMAN: What fucking astronauts? 90% of them don’t even have a fucking driver’s licence!

POLITICIAN: I’m counting those who had wanted to become astronauts when they grew up…

POLICEMAN: Please, not this “innocent children” card! You wanna know how many of those kids would have become astronauts, huh? Zero! Now, how many of them would have become enemy fighters?

ESCORT: After what we did, I’m pretty sure all of them.

SOLDIER: Well, good thing that’s not happening then, isn’t it?

TRADER: Look, I won’t pretend I know what the solution is, but I do know that stopping the killing of infants would make a great first step.

AIDE: First step to what?

TRADER: Well, sooner or later we need to reconcile.

CEO: You can't reconcile if you’ve never been together to begin with.

ESCORT: Who is there even left to reconcile with? Their ghosts? You know what we did.

SOLDIER: We didn't do anything they wouldn't have done to us had they been given a chance! Our greatest crime has been foiling them. Need I remind you they detonated their bomb first?

TRADER: Calling what they denoted on Dirty Friday a “bomb” is generous. It was a source capsule extracted from an old radiotherapy machine and strapped onto a pickup truck with duct tape and prayers. Our bomb on the other hand was a 200-megaton satellite-guided missile that turned the area into glass. Which makes us the guilty party.

CEO: Guilty of what? Competence?

POLICEMAN: Stop equating our bomb and their bomb! Okay? Their bomb is dirty, and perfidious, and cruel, and savage, and that is exactly what they’re like and how they fight! It's nothing like our beautiful clean bomb, scrubbing in an instant all that is vicious and wicked off the face of this good earth!

AIDE: Vicious and wicked? Like women and children?

POLICEMAN: Guess what, you cannot endanger other people's families and then expect safety for yours! Do you people even listen to yourself? Did all the Diversity-Equity-Inclusion initiatives cook your fucking brains?

ESCORT: Are you implying that opposing killing innocents is “woke”?

POLICEMAN: THERE ARE NO INNOCENTS HERE! There are only aggressors and would-be aggressors.

POLITICIAN: I think we could all benefit from practicing non-confrontational communication. After all, there are plenty of people on the other side who never took part in any atrocities. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights says these individuals have the right to return.

POLICEMAN: They have the right to suck my dick!

AIDE: Okay, now you’re just being offensive.

POLICEMAN: You know what, I'm okay with offensive! What I'm not okay with is stupid! …I was born here — yet why do you think I don’t live here? Did you miss decades of attacks on our people, our borders, our very existence? Huh? You speak of honour, of reconciliation, of justice — where was the justice when we suffered? Where was the honour when they entered my parents’ house, and when they stripped my mother naked as they searched for weapons that weren’t there? Hm? When my father was beaten because he dared to file a complaint? …And now we're suddenly supposed to practice restraint? After years of being persecuted, and exploited, and humiliated, NOW is the time for temperance? ...You don’t want reconciliation because you’re good. You want it because you’re scared. Because you’re scared your hands are weak, and because you don’t want to get them dirty. Well I’m not scared! I’m not scared of anything! You think I’m afraid of death? I died many, many times! I DIED when they imprisoned my uncle! I DIED when they toppled our statues and banned our books! I DIED when they cut down my grandfather's olive tree! …For too long we have been on the losing side of history. And if I have to choose between people feeling hate for, and feeling sorry for me, well then by God I choose hatred. Cos’ I'd rather be held in contempt than in thoughts and prayers.

ESCORT: Funny enough, that’s exactly why I don’t want to be in your prayers.

POLICEMAN: Girl, all the angels in heaven could hold a free arena concert for you and it still wouldn’t be enough.

ESCORT: <screams>

TRADER: What’s happening?!

ESCORT: He hit me! HE FUCKING HIT ME!

SOLDIER: HEY MAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

POLICEMAN: I didn’t do anything! That crazy bitch attacked me!

SYNTH VOICE: WHAT IS THIS COMMOTION?

TRADER: Nothing!

POLITICIAN: Just some internal disagreements.

TRADER: All good here.

SYNTH VOICE: WE THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE CIVILIZED PEOPLE?

AIDE: We are! We are!

CEO: We’re civilized! Very civilized!

ESCORT: Please… Just turn off the gas…

CEO: Disagreements are a hallmark of the democratic process!

SYNTH VOICE: IT HAS BEEN DONE. HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

POLITICIAN: Well, he’s kinda made it for us.

CEO: The policeman!

ESCORT: Yeah.

AIDE: Take the policeman!

POLICEMAN: What? Fuck you! I didn’t do anything wrong!

SYNTH VOICE: IS IT NECESSARY TO TURN THE GAS ON AGAIN?

SOLDIER: No, I’m certain the reality of the situation will soon become apparent to my law enforcing colleague here.

POLICEMAN: So this is how it’s gonna play, huh? Alright. Wouldn’t wanna disturb you good people and your non-confrontational communication. You know what, I’ll leave you with this though… Unlike that fucking cleric dude, I’m certain there’s an afterlife. And if you’re the kind of idiots that end up in heaven… Then I’m fine with hell.

Fuck, that light!

SYNTH VOICE: PROCEED THROUGH THE DOOR.

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

TRADER: Okay, maybe we started this whole thing wrong.

ESCORT: Like there’s a right way to start a thing like this?

TRADER: There’s always an optimal play. You don’t judge a trader when the market is good; you judge him when the market is down.

SOLDIER: That’s great, but what the fuck does our situation have to do with the stock market?

TRADER: Well a stock market is fundamentally a way to make bets, including bets on the outcome of other peoples' bets, and bets on the outcome of those bets. Naturally, this complexity creates lots of exploitable opportunities. But you won’t find them if you take things at face value - what you need is to learn to chase hidden value. And right now, there’s a lot of information hidden from us.

AIDE: Like what?

TRADER: Like for starters, taking our captors’ word that there are other rooms. For all we know, we’re the only ones here. And as such, much more valuable than they’re letting on.

CEO: Valuable? They’re going through us faster than a welfare queen goes through cheese coupons!

TRADER: Are they now? All we know is they’re taking us out of this room - I mean, we’ve got no idea what happens outside.

POLITICIAN: Well I’m pretty sure they’re not assembling a cricket team.

TRADER: Here’s what we do know. First we kicked out a guy who didn’t speak English, meaning no one had any idea what’s happening. Then the cleric volunteered to go. And then the policeman practically disqualified himself. Almost as if leaving the room is better than staying inside…

SOLDIER: So what are you saying?

TRADER: So what if… What if the only one who’ll actually get killed, is whoever remains the last one here?

AIDE: But, why?

TRADER: Maybe it’s a test. I mean, it stands to reason that the last person in the room is the most conniving one. Maybe that’s the message of this whole trial.

CEO: If you’re so certain of your theory, why don’t you simply walk away too?

TRADER: Because it’s not a theory. It’s a bet.

SOLDIER: …Or a trap.

TRADER: What?

SOLDIER: Why are you telling us this..? After all, if you’ve really found hidden value, it’s no longer hidden when you say it out loud.

TRADER: Because I’m not fighting against you. Our real enemy — our only enemy is whoever is behind those doors! That’s the other thing you learn when you play the market - you’re not fighting against everyone else. Because guess what, if you crash the economy, you find yourself in the middle of a crashed economy as well!

AIDE: Says the person who crashed the economy of an entire country!

ESCORT: I think we should listen to the man, it may be our best chance of getting out of here alive.

SOLDIER: We are not getting out of this room alive! I am truly sorry to impart this news to you. But we need to start accepting this fact. Our options as a group are limited until we start adjusting to this new reality. Tell me… Why are you here?

AIDE: Well, there was this banquet…

SOLDIER: I don’t mean how you ended up here! I mean… Why. Are. You. Here?

AIDE: Like… Metaphysically? Like, what’s-the-meaning-of-life “why am I here”?

SOLDIER: The answer to the question “What’s the meaning of life?” changes depending on the context. It's like going up to a Chess Grandmaster and asking him "What's the best move?" It’s simply not the right question.

AIDE: So which one is?

SOLDIER: “What is the meaning of death?”

AIDE: I don't understand.

SOLDIER: Like I said, all of us will die. You will die. And the popular fantasy of being surrounded on a deathbed with loved ones is just that - a fantasy. 90% of people will either die alone in their apartments or in institutions - perhaps maybe a nice retirement home if you’re lucky, perhaps an overcrowded hospital hallway if you’re not… But in all these cases your death will barely be registered. A passing glance from a nurse between two games of Wordle… Sure, you survived today’s ordeal… But for what? What did you accomplish? Or rather, what did your death accomplish? Each of us only gets one death. And we can use it either to die in 30 years for nothing, or we can die today for something.

ESCORT: So what are you suggesting?

SOLDIER: …There’s still six of us in here. And instead of going to the butcher’s knife one by one like Mr. Financial Genius here wants us to do, we should do precisely the opposite.

TRADER: And what’s that?

SOLDIER: If we storm those doors the next time they open we might have a chance for a breach.

TRADER: Blind and armless? That’s your brilliant plan?

SOLDIER: Sure, if we choose to fight our situation might get worse. However, if we choose not to fight, our situation WILL get worse! I’m not going to pretend it’s the most appealing move… But it’s the BEST move.

TRADER: I just hope everyone appreciates the irony of us storming out of a prison when it’s precisely what we’re denying others.

CEO: For the love of god, man, how do you always seem to find a way to excuse what they're doing?

TRADER: Dunno, how do you always find a way to excuse what we’re doing? Maybe you missed our assassinations of journalists? Orchestrating the removal of the prime minister of Norway? Dropping a nuclear bomb? For fucks’ sake, we need to stop treating our sins like it’s a teenage phase we went through. Like it’s just a fad. “Oh, that crazy thing we did, burning people’s houses and poisoning their orchards. Oh well, they should get over it.” Let bygones be bygones after all. And if they won't — if they can't — well, they're the unreasonable ones.

ESCORT: Look, reasonable people don’t use violence!

POLITICIAN: You mean like we’re planning to use it now?

SOLDIER: We don’t have an alternative. They on the other hand had plenty of options before Dirty Friday.

TRADER: Oh, you mean like when they were blocking roads? Like when they were on hunger strikes? Like when some of them lit themselves on fire? …They were non-violent for a long time. And what good did that do them, huh? All we did was take a bite, and then another bite, and then another bite, and kept pushing, little by little, seeing just how far we can go. …Well, we found out.

POLITICIAN: Your little Samsung again?

TRADER: Yup.

CEO: Why you need that stuff anyway?

TRADER: Because I don’t have a pancreas.

ESCORT: How come you don’t have a pancreas?

TRADER: Because I got stabbed in it.

SOLDIER: One of them?

TRADER: Actually one of ours. A right-of-return hardliner. I raised a pointed subject, and he responded with a pointed object.

SOLDIER: I’m sorry to hear that.

TRADER: It’s fine. I survived. Or rather I’ll keep surviving as long as I got my insu… Oh shit.

POLITICIAN: What is it?

TRADER: Where’s my insulin?

AIDE: What do you mean where’s your insulin?

TRADER: I mean my insulin is missing!

ESCORT: Okay, calm down! Are you sure you haven’t dropped it?

TRADER: OF COURSE I’M SURE! I NEVER LET IT LEAVE MY POCKET! WHERE’S MY INSULIN?

SOLDIER: Shit!

SYNTH VOICE: WHAT IS THIS COMMOTION?

TRADER: Someone stole my insulin!

SYNTH VOICE: WE THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE CIVILIZED PEOPLE?

CEO: Hey, we’re making DNA-sequenced insulin while you boneheads apparently don’t even know how to install a lightbulb!

SYNTH VOICE: IRRELEVANT. THE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS IF YOUR CELLMATE CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT INSULIN?

TRADER: No! I need my insulin NOW!

SYNTH VOICE: IN THAT CASE YOU ARE THE NEXT ONE TO GO.

TRADER: What?!

SYNTH VOICE: YOU SERVE NO USE TO US UNCONSCIOUS. THEREFORE, YOU NEED TO LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE STILL ABLE TO DO SO ON YOUR OWN.

CEO: The creepy voice has a point…

AIDE: IT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT! Seriously? You’re gonna let them take another one of us just because it doesn’t happen to be you personally, you fucking coward?

SOLDIER: Look, as our unlucky friend just said himself, we’ve got no idea what happens outside the cell. But we do know that without the insulin very soon we’ll have a corpse inside the cell. And how does that benefit anyone?

AIDE: We need to stop thinking about what benefits anyone and start thinking about what benefits everyone! We’ve got to do the right thing here!

SOLDIER: Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the right thing to do!

TRADER: He’s right! He’s right… Without my insulin I’m just gonna be a dead body. As this fucking thing doesn’t cease to remind me! <throws the monitor into a corner; beeping stops> Look, I know my views may be unpopular here. But we can’t let hate cloud our judgement. It's possible to condemn and commiserate. And if I relate with the predicament of our enemies, it's because they and I have something in common.

AIDE: And what's that?

TRADER: I will not be a victim. And if you wanna kick me out, be my guest. But I’m gonna go out speaking my mind, not yours.

SYNTH VOICE: THIS CONVERSATION SERVES NO PURPOSE ANY MORE. PROCEED TO THE DOOR IMMEDIATELY.

TRADER: Ah, the light! …I’m gonna leave now. But before I go, I also have a theory of what happens after we die.

ESCORT: Which one?

TRADER: All the people you meet in the afterlife are you. And they behave just the way you did while you were alive. That there is heaven or hell.

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

CEO: Well there'll certainly be some celebrations on the streets of Iceland tonight.

AIDE: Shut the fuck up!

CEO: Relax, it’s a joke. Humour is a coping strategy. I’m coping!

AIDE: This is not a laughing matter! Who took the insulin?

CEO: Well it wasn’t me!

POLITICIAN: As I said, we just don’t know what happened. Perhaps he simply lost it in the dark!

ESCORT: Or perhaps he feigned it disappearing so he could escape!

SOLDIER: Come on, don’t tell me you buy that batshit theory that the last person in the room is actually the one who gets the bullet? There’s no logic in that at all!

CEO: Oh, geez man, imprisoning people and making them decide who gets killed next is logical? That’s the discussion we’re gonna be having now?

POLITICIAN: It’d probably still be more productive than discussing who’s bloody right when it comes to you-know-what!

CEO: That’s because there’s no discussion about that!

ESCORT: Well certainly not with that attitude.

CEO: Honey I didn’t hire you for your talking skills, but if you think talking is the solution, go to our captors and try to talk your way out of here! It’d be like arguing with a brick wall! People have been trying to do so for decades, and guess what - turns out you can’t teach an old dog new tricks!

POLITICIAN: Ah, the age of the dog is irrelevant. A bigger impediment is if its entire life the dog has been nothing but beaten, starved, and deceived.

ESCORT: Let’s not compare anyone to animals. We need to stop dehumanizing people, even if they’re our enemies.

SOLDIER: Why not? After all, humans are animals. We’re a subspecies of great apes. And just like great apes, we’re inherently hierarchical and territorial. And if you wanna ignore these basic biological facts you do so at your own peril.

ESCORT: It’s indeed a good argument - it’s just not in your favour! Sure, you can reduce the human experience to human nature. But the whole goal of civilization is to transcend nature! We're humans not as much as we resemble apes; we're humans as much as we differ from apes. I mean, show me an ape that has language, or culture, or laws!

POLITICIAN: Oh, I wouldn’t put too much stock in those! What we call “laws” is just a byword for power! Laws, constitutions, nations, states - it's all narratives!

CEO: Precisely. And now some B-horror-movie-wannabes are going to slaughter us like rabbits because we were born under a flag none of us chose in the first place!

SOLDIER: You may not have chosen the flag, but you’ve received the advantages it confers. You cannot separate the benefits from the baggage. Everything our country bestows comes with everything it burdens us with.

ESCORT: Can we have a bit more bestowing, please? It kinda feels like it’s been mostly burdening for the last few decades or so!

SOLDIER: Burdening? You would be dead, pure and simple, without a state!

POLITICIAN: Well maybe that’s why people are willing to die to get one.

SOLDIER: I’m okay with them dying for it. What I’m not okay with is them killing for it.

CEO: Indeed, the last 24 hours have seen this place get its greatest share of human sacrifices since the Canaanites!

ESCORT: Actually, this was Hittite territory.

CEO: Thank you for that important correction. Should we also perform a land acknowledgement?

SOLDIER: Why not? After all, the only thing a land acknowledgment really signals is a certainty that the defeated cannot take it back.

POLITICIAN: Should we also acknowledge this land is now uninhabitable for the next 2000 years?

CEO: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

ESCORT: You are aware we won this quote-unquote prize as well?

SOLDIER: That’s only because the wind inexplicably changed course and blew the radiation in our direction.

POLITICIAN: And then some people say God does not exist.

ESCORT: It’s got nothing to do with deities and everything to do with us! It's simple. We didn't want to share land, now there's no fucking land.

SOLDIER: Oh, you mean like they shared it with us? They were the ones who raised their hand first!

ESCORT: It doesn’t matter who raised the hand first, what matters now is who’s going to extend the hand first.

SOLDIER: And where were these extended hands when we were the ones without a home? I don’t remember seeing a lot of extended hands back then - unless you count the fists.

ESCORT: And we won’t be safe before we unclench them! If you’re not ready to forgive on moral grounds, can you at least forgive from a strategic standpoint?

SOLDIER: Oh, I agree we should forgive them. Just not before we've eliminated them.

ESCORT: Stop saying shit like that! This isn’t one of those "do you see a white dress or a blue dress" questions! If burned babies don't move your heart it's because you don't have one!

SOLDIER: If I’m not moved it’s not because I don’t have a heart - it’s because I have a brain. Don’t you understand the question isn’t if there’ll be burned babies - the question is whose babies are going to burn. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST.

ESCORT: AND THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO RESIST!

AIDE: I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I DON'T CARE IF WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST OR IF THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEFEND THEMSELVES! I DON'T CARE WHO THREW HOW MANY BOMBS, AND WHETHER THEY WERE DIRTY OR CLEAN! I DON'T CARE WHOSE GREAT-GRANDFATHER CAME HERE FIRST AND IF HE PLANTED OLIVE TREES OR FUCKED GOATS! …I DON'T HATE ANYBODY BUT I HATE ALL OF THIS! …I just want to go home…

CEO: Oh not again.

SYNTH VOICE: WHAT IS THIS COMMOTION?

POLITICIAN: Oh the lad, the lad just got a tad excited! You know how crazy kids can get about history! We’re civilized people, after all!

SYNTH VOICE: HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

POLITICIAN: Well no, you see —

AIDE: Yes! Yes we have!

POLITICIAN: What the hell are you doing?

AIDE: I’m taking the trader’s bet. After all — if he was indeed correct, and all of this is a test — it might be a rather simple one.

POLITICIAN: Of what?

AIDE: Of contrition. …Alright, I’ll be going now…

CEO: The hell you are.

AIDE: Like I said, no need to try and stop me, I made up my mind and I’m willing to —

CEO: — NO, no, no, man… I’m saying I’m going out instead of you!

AIDE: What?

CEO: Suddenly you wanna leave too? This just confirms the last one here is getting killed! AND IT AIN’T GONNA BE ME, BROTHER!

POLITICIAN: Well I’m going too!

ESCORT: No, I am!

SYNTH VOICE: THE QUESTION WAS SIMPLE: HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

AIDE: YES WE HAVE! AND IT’S ME! I said it first.

SYNTH VOICE: VERY WELL. APPROACH THE DOOR.

AIDE: The light! I don’t fucking see anything!

SYNTH VOICE: JUST WALK.

AIDE: Okay. …By the way, I also have a theory on what happens to us after we die. I believe that —

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

ESCORT: They shot him! They fucking shot him!

CEO: Nonsense! It just confirms he was on their side!

ESCORT: What?

CEO: Don’t you get it? He was playing along!

POLITICIAN: Are you bloody mad?! Don’t you see that they shot him dead?!

SOLDIER: We didn’t see anything! We were all blinded by the light!

POLITICIAN: So what are you saying? That it’s all staged? We’re all crisis actors?!

CEO: I mean you’re a politician, man, I don’t trust you further than I can throw you!

SOLDIER: Everybody pull yourselves together! We need to stay united!

ESCORT: “Stay”?

SOLDIER: Fine, let’s say we aim for unity.

POLITICIAN: He’s right. He’s right. After all, we’ll be sharing a tomb for eternity!

ESCORT: Fucking hell... I knew I should have stuck to camming.

SOLDIER: Yeah, and I should have remained a drone operator.

ESCORT: Geez… You know, I think that was the first funny thing you’ve said.

CEO: The first attempt at being funny.

ESCORT: How did you end up in the army anyway? Wait, don’t tell me! You come from a family of officers... One of your ancestors fought against Ghengis Khan or Napoleon Bonapart!

SOLDIER: You wouldn’t believe it, but my parents were artists... They were musicians in the old country. Well, to an extent - they made most of their money by composing jingles… Nevertheless, they wanted me and my brother to follow in their footsteps.

ESCORT: So you ended up joining the army marching band?

SOLDIER: Hah… What I ended up becoming was a father. I have two sons of my own now. They are why I joined the forces. No revolutionary ever charged at the enemy with a violin. I became a soldier so my children may one day become musicians again. …Well, that and the money was good.

ESCORT: I appreciate the honesty.

SOLDIER: You know, I’d return the question, but I’m afraid it might be construed the wrong way, with your profession.

ESCORT: Hah, I just decided to make love not war. …And the money was good. But hey, at least I’m not a politician! I’m joking, of course…

POLITICIAN: No offence taken. I’m used to it. “How are politicians like diapers”, “poly-tics”… I’ve heard them all.

CEO: So why’d you get involved in politics then?

POLITICIAN: As trite as it sounds, I wanted to make a change. The problem is, everybody wants change but nobody wants to change.

ESCORT: I think the real problem is that modern leaders do anything but lead. Even the way they speak doesn't sound, y’know, normal.

POLITICIAN: The reason we talk like robots is because anything we say will get twisted out of recognition. I mean, people's campaigns imploded because the media took a photo of them eating a sandwich! It’s no surprise we don’t elect leaders anymore - the path to victory flipped from “be inspiring” to “don’t be controversial”.

ESCORT: Honestly I would welcome less controversy in politics the way things are going.

POLITICIAN: That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you! The opposite of “controversial” isn’t “level-headed”; the opposite of “controversial” is “more of the same”. Every advancement was once controversial. For years it took real gumption to stand up to homophobes. For years fighting against racists meant just that - fighting. It’s easy to be righteous when you’re not actually risking anything. Standing up to injustice always comes at a cost. If it doesn’t, it’s either no longer a real injustice, or you’re not really doing something against it.

CEO: So you’re saying all those gay pride tweets our PR department post don’t help anybody?

POLITICIAN: They help the PR department heads keep their jobs.

SOLDIER: Speaking of, what exactly does your company do?

CEO: We deliver innovative solutions to foster international rule-based order.

SOLDIER: I didn't ask for your company mission BS - I asked what you do.

CEO: …We’re one of the Big Six.

POLITICIAN: Oh shit.

ESCORT: Big six what?

SOLDIER: One of the six biggest arms manufacturers.

POLITICIAN: "Man is known by the company he keeps.”

ESCORT: So you are literally making the weapons we’re killing each other with?

CEO: No, no, we are making weapons that keep us safe.

ESCORT: We won’t be safe until everyone is safe. If we were building schools instead of guns none of us would be locked in here right now!

SOLDIER: You’re technically correct, but only because without those guns we’d all already be dead. When you educate your adversary, you don’t get an ally. All you get is an educated adversary.

ESCORT: So you're saying some people are beyond teaching?

SOLDIER: I'm saying you should start thinking of people as they are, not as you wish they were. Think our government doesn't treat your trade kindly? You should see what those “uneducated victims” you so lionize would do to you if they had their way.

ESCORT: Believe me, I don’t have any illusions about people. I’ve seen them naked! And trust me, I know the difference between fucking, and getting fucked.

CEO: Do you now? You know that Moody’s TOP 40 index fund you put your money into?

ESCORT: What about it?

CEO: My company constitutes 30% of its overall value. The next 25%? An oil and gas conglomerate. Every pickup on the highway, every rifle on the frontline? You directly profit from them. The Boy Wonder called it “a hands off approach”. Well just because your hands are off, doesn't mean they're clean, honey.

POLITICIAN: And your hands are neither, having been caught with them in women’s knickers! Honestly you should volunteer to go next, matey - if our captors don’t kill you, your wife's gonna do it anyway!

CEO: Seven years ago, during the Third Uprising, my wife got hit with a piece of shrapnel in her spine. It left her quadriplegic. This trip is the first time I left her bedside since it happened. She knows of Miss Serenity. In fact, she's the one who encouraged me to hire her.

POLITICIAN: Oh… I’m sorry… I didn’t know…

CEO: Forget it... Doesn’t matter. …Y’know, all this existential talk about life and what awaits us in the great beyond and all that crap… It got me thinking… And I have to say, I for one cannot comprehend the idea of hell. I mean, realistically speaking, there's no hell God could come up with, that people wouldn’t become indifferent to in a week.

ESCORT: What? We didn’t do anything to draw attention!

CEO: They must have run out of people in the other room!

SOLDIER: THERE IS NO OTHER ROOM!

POLITICIAN: Nevermind that, we need to get our shit together or they’re gonna gas us!

CEO: Shit what do we do?

SYNTH VOICE: HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

POLITICIAN: TAKE THE CEO!

CEO: What?!

POLITICIAN: TAKE THE CEO! TAKE HIM NOW!

CEO: No, wait a minute, we never said anything like that!

SYNTH VOICE: DO OTHERS CONCUR WITH THAT DECISION?

SOLDIER: Affirmative.

ESCORT: Yes.

CEO: Oooh!

SYNTH VOICE: VERY WELL. APPROACH THE DOOR.

CEO: No! We never agreed to this! And I’m not going! If you want me, you gotta come in and get me.

SYNTH VOICE: THAT IS ACCEPTABLE.

CEO: ARGH! THE LIGHT!

That’s not fair! You’re fighting a blind man! YOU’RE FIGHTING A BLIND MAN! You’re fighting… A… Blind… Man…

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

ESCORT: Oh you fucking dick!

POLITICIAN: What? I just saved you!

ESCORT: Yeah, you're like a superhero who only gets his powers after he eats a kitten!

POLITICIAN: I did what you wanted but weren’t strong enough to do yourself! Didn’t you just say you wanted your leaders to lead?

SOLDIER: A real leader would have volunteered to go out himself.

POLITICIAN: And you think I don’t know the two of you will kick me out after this..? Oh, fret not, you’ll wash your conscience soon enough! Everyone's so bloody understanding ‘til Vivaldi starts playing…

ESCORT: Don’t act like you’re a powerless victim here! You work for a government that puts its political survival above other people's actual survival!

POLITICIAN: Oh, do me a favour! People have been killing each other for this speck of land since Hamlet was still a rough draft!

ESCORT: That's just conflating "justice" with "revenge". And precisely the reason why we have courts.

POLITICIAN: The courts are not in the business of preserving justice. They’re in the business of preserving order. And justice and order are often at the opposite sides of the spectrum. The oppressed are under no obligation to morally resolve what’s an inherently immoral situation.

ESCORT: If there are no moral rules, who decides who’s the good guy and who’s the bad guy?

SOLDIER: The one with the nukes.

POLITICIAN: And here comes the fallout…

SYNTH VOICE: HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

SOLDIER: Go on. Do your thing.

POLITICIAN: Oh no. I’m not letting you go easily. You still need to vote.

ESCORT: Seriously?

POLITICIAN: What can I say, I want to go out on an election victory.

SOLDIER: Goddammit… Okay. We have made our choice! Take the Brit.

ESCORT: Take him.

POLITICIAN: Very well. Open the doors.

Alright, seems like this is a goodbye. It’s been a pleasure. Well, considering the circumstances.

SOLDIER: Be careful out there.

POLITICIAN: Certainly, I’ll do my best not to trip and break my neck on the way out. …Also, I know why hell is something you simply can’t get used to.

ESCORT: Why?

POLITICIAN Because of the realization that if hell exists, then so does heaven. …You know what? That light isn’t really that bright…

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

ESCORT: Now what?

SOLDIER: Dunno. I’d suggest we play rock-paper-scissors if we could see anything.

ESCORT: I suck at that game anyway.

SOLDIER: Oh, I find that hard to believe… You played it perfectly.

ESCORT: …What?

SOLDIER: Come on, no need to put on appearances any longer. You know what you did.

ESCORT: And what did I do?

SOLDIER: For starters, you’re the one who nudged the priest over that altruistic cliff. And you’re the one who baited the policeman in the exact opposite way.

ESCORT: That guy went off the hook, bait or no bait!

SOLDIER: And what if he hadn't, huh? Would you have screamed and accused him of hitting you regardless? …I'm willing to bet you’re also the one who made the insulin disappear.

ESCORT: Now that’s not —

SOLDIER: — Come on! Come on, come on... Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you’re some evil genius. The poor Scottish kid obviously couldn’t take it any longer and he snapped. And it’s the politician who cooked the CEO’s goose… But you – you made no unforced errors. In a room full of people with financial, political, religious, and military power, you prevailed.

ESCORT: Whatever I did, it wasn’t done out of malice…

SOLDIER: Of course not. You did what you had to do… We did what we had to do. …Every once in a while, the rule "might makes right" becomes terrifyingly clear. This shocks people with coddled minds. But for everyone who never had the luxury of ignorance it confirms what they already know. Those with power exert their will; those without it endure their fate. …So congratulations. You made it to the end. But it’s precisely that. The end. A dead end.

ESCORT: What are you suggesting?

SOLDIER: Remember the gas cylinder? It’s in the room with us… I’m touching it as we speak. If I pull hard enough I believe I can break it off.

ESCORT: And kill us?

SOLDIER: Hopefully more than that. Total volume of this room is around 100 cubic metres. If we fill it up with gas and ignite it, it should blow up the entire compound!

ESCORT: How are we going to ignite it? We’ll be dead!

SOLDIER: We have the whizz kid’s Samsung device. I can set it to monitor our glucose for values below 10 milligrams per decilitre. That’s ten times less than a healthy human. When it finally beeps, the gas concentration will be so high that the battery discharge should ignite it. Basically, our bodies will be the trigger mechanism.

ESCORT: Jesus… I swear to God, guys like you… We’d all live in an utopia if you put your minds to helping people as much as you do to finding ways to kill them!

SOLDIER: I’ll take that as a compliment.

ESCORT: Take it as you will. The fact remains we’ve got no idea where we are. We might be held underneath a civilian area!

SOLDIER: Or a military base.

ESCORT: Or a public square. The point is, we’ve got no fucking idea what’s above us!

SOLDIER: We have no idea what’s above us but we know what’s around us, and it’s a fucking enemy compound!

ESCORT: But we could end up blowing up a hospital — or a school! And that’s not a just evil - it's just evil.

SOLDIER: What’s evil is that we’ve been taken hostage. No acts of compassion are necessary!

ESCORT: No, acts of compassion are necessary. I’ve had it with shallow justifications! People have a tendency to simplify complex issues.

SOLDIER: Well they also have a tendency to complicate what’s simple. You think I wouldn’t like us to simply stroll out of here? You think I don’t want to make it home to my husband and sons? Our enemies are the ones who imposed this situation on us! I am the one giving you a choice! So I’ll ask you once more... Do you wish to exert your will with me, Miss Serenity?

ESCORT: I… I… I was brought into this room like I was brought into this world. Without consultation. I will leave it on my own terms.

SOLDIER: Very well. In that case we shall execute the Samsung option. …How much do you weigh?

ESCORT: Please, if you’re gonna kill us at least let me keep my dignity.

SOLDIER: Doesn’t matter - I’m sure it’s less than I do. So you’ll be wearing the glucose monitor, it’ll take too long to activate with me. <beeps> There. I set it on the lowest detectable amount. Put it around your wrist.

ESCORT: Okay, done.

SOLDIER: Alright, the trigger is ready - now for the propellant. You ready?

ESCORT: No! …But better to pull off the bandaid.

SOLDIER: Agreed. …Just one more thing before we go. Please don’t misunderstand me, Miss Serenity - I commend your dedication to peace. I truly do. I’m just worried you don’t realize how much violence peace takes. <he grunts; metal creaks> …Okay, I think I loosened it up. One more pull should do it. <more grunts of exertion; gas starts violently hissing> Alright, we’re on! Gas is lighter than air, so we better stay low as room fills with —

…Did you… Did you just break the glucose monitor?

ESCORT: I’m sorry… If I have to die I’ll die. But I will not take anyone with me! There are moments we can’t let others tell us what is right or what’s wrong, but must decide for ourselves what kind of people we're gonna be. A defeat you’re proud of is better than a victory you’re ashamed of!

SOLDIER: Good.

ESCORT: Good?

SOLDIER: Good, yeah, good.

ESCORT: What do you mean “good”?! So, you’re okay with this?

SOLDIER: I mean, at two million dead, what’s two million and two? If it were up to me, we would have all committed harakiri pretty much immediately.

(...)

ESCORT: So how does this end?

SOLDIER: We lose consciousness and suffocate.

ESCORT: No, I meant all of this!

SOLDIER: That I… I don’t know. I really don’t know.

(...)

ESCORT: I feel high… Do you feel high?

SOLDIER: I don’t know, I’ve never been high.

ESCORT: Are you sure your parents were musicians?

SOLDIER: <chuckles>

(...)

You tell me, how does this end?

ESCORT: I don’t know either. I think we’ll get to peace eventually. But not because we suddenly become better people. It will be because some new scientific and economic order will force us to live in peace.

SOLDIER: You were right, you are high.

ESCORT: <chuckles> …You know, maybe we should look into this “program” thing ourselves.

SOLDIER: I shouldn’t be telling you this but… We did look into it. It’s not something we can co-opt.

ESCORT: Why not?

SOLDIER: One of its postulates is to get rid of nations.

ESCORT: Ha, wouldn’t that be ironic. To fight this hard for a state, only for states to stop existing.

SOLDIER: Ain’t never gonna happen. Its promise is not real. It’s but a vision.

ESCORT: We did hear quite a few visions of the afterlife today.

SOLDIER: Well... Let’s see who was right.

[The Program main theme]

ANNOUNCER: This episode of The Program was made by 11 people: Michael MacCachren, Soli Reid, Terry Jansen, Tarick Glancy, Luis Restrepo, Paul Nicholas Mason, Chance Miller, Frank Salvino, David Bradshaw, Christien Ledroit, and IMS. Visit programaudioseries.com for more details. We’re looking forward to bringing you many more episodes in 2025. If you can, please consider supporting the show. A bigger budget means a faster production schedule, and it will get you all the episodes ad-free, including bonus episodes and additional goodies. You'll find the links in the show notes.

WRITTEN, DIRECTED, EDITED AND PRODUCED BY

Ivan Mirko S.

CO-PRODUCED BY

Paul Nicholas Mason
Michael MacCachren
David Bradshawe

CAST

DRIVER- Luis A. Restrepo (imdb)
CLERIC - Paul Nicholas Mason (imdb)
POLICEMAN - Tarick Glancy
TRADER - Michael MacEachern (Instagram)
AIDE - Chance Miller (website)
CEO - Terry Jansen (imdb)
POLITICIAN - David Bradshawe (website)
SOLDIER - Frank Salvino (imdb)
ESCORT - Soli Reid (Mandy)

AUDIO RECORDING BY

Christien Ledroit (website)

SYNTHETIC VOICE BY

https://www.tetyys.com/SAPI4/

REFERENCES:

“Stock markets are fundamentally a way of making bets, including bets on the outcome of other peoples' bets, and bets on the outcomes of those bets. All this complexity creates lots of exploitable opportunities.” Cory Doctorow (1971 -)
"Ja, man muss seinen Feinden verzeihen, aber nicht eher, als bis sie gehängt worden." Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)
A HackerNews comment linking racism in the USA to a fad that I can no longer find (and might have been deleted in the interim)

original art by Carlos Costa

Courtesy of Comrade Larsky

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WRITTEN, DIRECTED, EDITED AND PRODUCED BY

CO-PRODUCED BY

CAST

AUDIO RECORDING BY

SYNTHETIC VOICE BY

REFERENCES: